As a Guy, If I Too Write Honestly About Blowjobs, Masturbation and Anal Sex, Am I Bold or Deviant?

The following is NSFW, and written as a response to the plethora of sex articles and fictional erotica written by women on Medium.

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Medium publishes its share of sexually graphic articles.

And good for them.

I don’t mind reading those articles; I generally find them fascinating as the vast majority of them are written by women (about 98% to my eyes). Perspectives of self-empowerment and body positivity are most frequent in these stories; honest, meticulous advice as to how to make one’s man — or woman — feel most aroused is nearly equally as common.

What came over my feed yesterday (please, no pun intended) was particularly intriguing, a study of the difference between porn blowjobs and those in real life.

I’m a guy. I appreciate these authors.

But is my appreciation problematic? If I use words here like “cock,” “pussy” or “cum,” or terms like “rim job,” is that disturbing to you?

I got it out of the way early. Onward.

Truth is, I love sex. Big deal. I’m red-blooded. I’ve watched porn. Who hasn’t, though? However, in this era of #MeToo and the timely release of films like “Bombshell,” about the Roger Ailes FOX News sex scandals, does this admission make me guilty of anything other than being human?

The difference is many guys indeed know the difference between a healthy appreciation of sex, and sexual misconduct. They respect women and frankly want the likes of Harvey Weinstein to be chemically castrated and sentenced to life in prison.

I maintain most men are not sexual deviants. There is nothing wrong with reading a woman’s perspective on how to give a great blowjob, as there should be nothing wrong with a well-meaning guy offering the equivalent for a woman’s pleasure.

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My Porno Documentary

In 1996, I produced my first documentary. Entitled “Scopophilia: Undressing the Adult Entertainment Industry,” the film followed porn stars in their daily lives discussing sex, philosophy and relationships both on and off the set.

Following a three-on-three basketball game with three dominatrixes on one side, and myself, John Wayne Bobbitt (fresh off of Ron Jeremy’s Oscar-worthy “Frankenpenis”), and our director, Richard Carbone (his real name), on the other, we took our time returning to the Pasadena, California film set.

Speaking of, Ron Jeremy was our ref.

The guys lost, badly, 21–10.

Even pornographers need breaks, and getting to know them was no different than having lunch with a familiar neighbor. John wasn’t quite a year into his brief career as an X-rated star, following 10 minutes of fame due to his wife, Lorena, lopping off his offending appendage over charges of abuse.

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Those charges were troubling enough, and activist-attorney Gloria Allred, who was to be interviewed for our film, backed off when she found out he was involved. We addressed the issue with John directly, as the very reason we elected to interview him for our film was to address capitalizing not only on his misfortune but those very accusations, yet he vocally proclaimed his innocence.

The thought in his segment was to explore the seedier side of the business: the drugs, and mainstream accusations tying male performers who enter into it to abuse of women. John denied everything, though, and we had nothing; he was briefly featured as a talking head, in passing.

The mystique of hanging with this new group of acquaintances, who happen to fuck and suck for a living (there is no “making love” in porn), quickly dissipated. We began talking about “Star Wars” and Mike Tyson, about favorite recipes, Disney, and allergies.

Even social issues. And that’s when I realized that these performers should not be judged. Either financial desperation brings one to this career, I was told, or a simple love of sex. The consensus was that a middle-ground did not exist, and they should be listened to and heard like anyone else.

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We arrived back on the set twenty minutes after our game. The scene about to be shot was to feature the three women putting on a show for Ron, John, and a third gentleman, which would lead to a mini-orgy. But the third man did not show. Since Mr. Carbone, our director, was busy taping behind-the-scenes footage, the largest and most intimidating of the women approached me.

“We need a third guy,” she said.

“Anyone you can call?” I asked.

Ron intervened. “Joel, you’re doing this scene with us. Welcome to the business.”

The woman asked if I had a copy of my driver’s license. Ron mumbled something about me being over 18 and I was fine.

I may have been fine, but my mounting panic immediately shifted to thoughts of my grandmother. What if she sees this one day? But I quickly reconsidered. Why the hell would Grandma watch porn, anyway?

Still, I refused. I told them I couldn’t do it, joking that I wasn’t intending to inadvertently stumble upon a new career path.

Ron was disappointed, but he and John took over the scene and did fine.

Over two decades later, I’m a novelist, and a writer-producer for film and television. I’m totally cool with my choice that day.

An Honest Man’s Sexual Attitudes

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I’m walking a tightrope here, but such is the point of this article: talking freely about sex, from a male’s perspective.

Was Donald Trump telling the truth about grabbing women “by the pussy?”

I believe that was the most honest statement he’s made since announcing his candidacy.

Was it “locker room talk?”

Does it matter? Some guys do speak that way.

And some women too.

The difference, which should be obvious but is not always, is carrying out that action on a non-consensual basis. That’s nothing less than a criminal act, as far as I’m concerned.

Should I be able to look at a woman and comment to a friend that I find her attractive, with no repercussions? Yes.

Should I be able to comment to her directly that I find her attractive? Mixed, as I am happily married with a world of respect for my wife and other women. My parents raised me well.

What if I was single, however? Well, during that period I was on the shy side with women. In the above case, certainly I would have liked to get to know her better, and if anything developed of course I would tell her.

You wouldn’t? Tell me. I assume nothing.

I was an immensely awkward and shy single guy, who was nonetheless dying inside for a sexual relationship. I used to read “Playboy” and occasionally “Penthouse,” and yes, sometimes only for the photos.

Truth be told, I wasn’t ready for a permanent relationship until my 30s. I never slept around, though I felt like I would lose my mind if I didn’t “hook up” now and again.

I was a human being back then too, with human needs. Shoot me.

There’s nothing wrong with masturbation, save for the act being too damn lonely.

I believe prostitution should be taxed and regulated. It will always exist — it is the “oldest profession” after all — and legalizing sex-for-puchase in theory would help take that industry from the gutter, and may clean up some of its inherent substance issues.

As to “what’s right” and “what’s wrong” between adult partners? Nothing, so long as what you are engaging is consensual and doesn’t hurt anyone. You’re into anal, go for it. Multiple partners and swinging? More power to you.

Me? I waited what seemed like forever to meet my one and only, and I would never want to anything to ruin that. We’re nearly 20 years in now, happily married. What we do is our business. Sorry. It’s a respect thing.

Like I said, what has proceeded in this section are my views only. I’d love to hear your responses.

The Healing Power of Intimacy

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Let’s say you’re older, and the equipment doesn’t quite work like it used to. Am I confessing something here? You’ll never know, but I will say that there are times when gazing into the eyes of your significant other while in bed is just enough. Or small talk before anything follows, or even as an option.

Or, perhaps you’re working a highly-stressful job or are behind on the bills. Regardless, you’re not the demon in bed you once were.

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Intimacy is an oft-underlooked aspect of sex where honesty is key ... and it can be as arousing as foreplay.

Forget your troubles, c’mon get happy …

Trust me on this. Anyway …

I appreciate you all taking the time. Please let me know your thoughts.

P.S. So I ran into Ron four years ago at San Diego’s Comic Con International. In an impromptu moment, he helped me promote my first novel.

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Shortly thereafer, Ron himself faced allegations of sexual misconduct. I have no idea as to his guilt, or innocence.

He has yet to be charged. To the allegations, he has said this: “If you were going to be around Ron Jeremy, wouldn’t you assume that I’d be a little bit touchy feely? Yes. This is what I do for a living…If anyone was ever made to feel uncomfortable by ANY of our interactions, I’m deeply sorry.”

Consensual is one thing. Anything else, regardless of attitude, is a crime. Porn performers, such as anyone, need to be careful there. Just like I and other men need to be careful how they present for the same reason, be it in writing, or in person.

There’s a fine line between being open, and being careless. That’s my conclusion.

Thank you for reading.

If you have found this article of value, feel free to recommend, share and follow me here on Medium (and I will follow you back), where I publish new stories daily on a variety of topics.

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Written by

Joel Eisenberg is an award-winning author, screenwriter, and producer. The Oscar in the profile pic isn’t his but he’s scheming. WGA and Pen America member.

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