“We’re both putting on weight,” she said. “What else is there to do when we’re on breaks other than eat?”
She was right.
One hour later …
“You look like a slob.”
She was right again. I hadn’t shaved, and though it was 2PM I hadn’t showered yet.
I’m Jewish. I felt immediately guilty, ran into the bathroom, shaved and deloused. Even cut the unmanageable sideburns, which never look good on a near-bald head.
I carefully combed gel through my three hairs, put on a shirt that was fresh from the cleaners … and felt better.
“I’m not used to working from home,” I said. “But I should never present to my wife like that, so thanks for putting me on blast.”
“Huh?” was her response.
“What part didn’t you understand?”
“Putting you on … what?”
“Yeah, that’s it. Really? Isn’t that what they used to say when you taught school?”
“I think I heard it on Real Housewives once. Maybe, since we’re stuck together all day now, we can talk normally to each other?”
“You have a Master’s degree. How can you watch that garbage?”
“Well you’re supposed to be this award-winning writer and you watch wrestling!”
Had to pause there. “So what’s for lunch?” I asked.
“I suggest you skip lunch for the day. You’re getting your chins back.”
Meaning, I tend to develop multiple chins when I gain weight.
You get the picture.
The next morning.
“So,” I asked, “on a break?”
“I haven’t started yet. It’s only 7:30.”
And so I try … “Wanna make a baby?”
“Seriously?” I didn’t take it as hope; it was as if her face contorted in response to my saying something that was beyond any human sense of decorum. “I’m two years from social security,” she says. “I think we’re a little late.”
“We can try ... Start the day right, you know — ”
“I am starting my day right,” she said. “Making some coffee. Want any?”
Damn. The timing was perfect too. “Sure.” Heavy sigh. “But, you know, I’d much rather …” The expression on her face said it all. “Never mind. Four cups please.”
Our new world.
In our calmer moments at home — along with our boxer-pit KOKO, who coolly puts up with it all and tries sleeping through the boring parts — my wife and I have the same conversations as you all do:
- How long will the Coronavirus last?
- How long should we stay socially isolated?
- Do you believe doctors will soon have the ability to test everyone?
- Why is this virus so politicized?
- What will we do for money if we run out?
- What will we do for food if the stores close?
- Should we wear a mask when we go outside?
- Are we safe to ride our bikes if the disease is even remotely airborne?
- How many people will get sick?
- We’re both older? How susceptible are we?
- Do you think pregnancies will increase since couples are stuck at home together?
- Should we invest in the diet industry?
- Should we take our money out of the stock market?
- If an emergency happens, will we be able to fly out and get to our relatives?
- Could this calamity have been curtailed sooner?
And so on.
To everyone reading this, we all have our political affiliations and our theories as to how this all began and where to place blame. Right now, none of it means a thing. We’ll make the best of our present circumstance, and we’ll come through this together because there really is no choice in the matter.
As the cliche goes, but this time it’s relevant, we’re all in this together.
And … two cents more? Listen to the scientists and the real experts; our politicians are only messengers.
Thank you for reading.
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